SO, after all the build up we get the worst ever first week of a World Cup — and I’m not necessarily talking about the on-pitch lack of action.

Largely, the early games were dull as ditch-water, the sound of the vuvuzelas occasionally disturbing me from my slumber.

On the BBC, Gary Lineker and his side-kicks, the two Alans — Hansen and Shearer — wake from dreaming about watching a 5-4 thriller as Algeria and Slovenia trudge off at half-time in another 0-0 bore. “That was good,” deadpans Lineker.

Meanwhile, ITV drop Robbie Earle for dishing out tickets in an “ambush” marketing scam, while Andy Townsend attempts to up his game as the supposed brains behind the live operation. Someone says “Robert Green will be disappointed with that”, a comment mildly better than its subject’s goalkeeping. 1-0 BBC.

Adrian Chiles, looking a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights, ploughs on with his attempts at being the cheeky chappie down the pub. It’s not really working, but then there’s not much to chat about yet.

Still, the commentators have thus far avoided blurting out “England expects” (Update: no they haven’t, Clive Tyldesley dredged it up as the Algeria game kicked off. Own goal, 2-0 BBC) and, indeed, anything about “Lionhearts” or “tactically naive Africans”. So far so average.

The ante was finally upped when North Korea, sorry the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPR), came up against the fancy dans of Brazil. As I drove as fast as I could — according to the laws, obviously — the Five Live commentator set the tone with: “I’ll run through the two teams. Well, actually I won’t bother with the Korean side as it won’t mean much to anyone.” He then told us to check the record books as it could be carnival time for Brazil.

Meanwhile the Korean coach Kim Jong-Hun played up to reporters asking him about North Korea’s chances, replying: “I do not know that country. I do not recognise that name.” I didn’t recognise his, but I liked him. From then on it was the DPR.

Back in the land of television, the commentary continued in a similar style.

“There are rumours going round that the Koreans will not show this match if they lose (they did and they did) and that they have hired Chinese actors to pretend to be fans,” chirrupped the commentator on ITV. Actors? You hardly need to be a fully paid-up member of Equity to mimic the actions of football fans. 3-0 BBC, and they’re not even playing that well.

DPR striker Jong Tae Se injected some genuine passion by crying as their anthem was played. It was pretty bad, but not quite as dire as ours. Could you really sing that if you were picked for our national team?

Events such as World Cups seem to guarantee employment for every former manager or player who can string two words together — and Paul Merson. After Robert Green’s blunder, Paul Ince echoed the “I think he’ll be disappointed with that” comment. No Paul, he was delighted to have even got a hand to it.

One of my favourite TV moments involved Princes William and Harry visiting some children in a South African school. One of the children asked if they were twins and the balding William stuttered: “Er, erm, hum, er, no, he’s got ginger hair.” That’ll be it, Wills. That’s the difference.

So far I have managed to avoid watching an England game down the pub (I may be made to eat my words but why did anyone ever think we even had a slight chance of winning this thing), and the neighbours haven’t created red and white floral displays in their gardens or covered their car windscreens with flags, and I have also noticed a dwindling amount of people turning up at houses, bags full of beer in hand, to watch the games.

Admittedly, the football improved in week two, but the punditry remained the same.

Not sure if it’s the poor play that is putting them off or the commentary.