The voice in my head doesn't talk to me anymore because I called it a sell-out.

The problem is I cannot touch him for he knows too much about me.

My neighbour has a disabled parking spot which he never uses. I parked there once and he didnt like it so we had a kick-off. I threw a punch but missed and then I got done for hitting a disabled person. I told them he wasnt disabled and the only reason he had got that bay was so he would have a guaranteed parking spot.

But they wouldn't listen.

I went to the mela and a lad with a ear ring and a spiky hair cut threw an ice cream at me. It hit me in my face. I kicked-off proper style and it took four or five guys to pull me off him. Days later his parents came round to my house and wanted me to apologise for hitting 15 stone Abdullah. I kicked-off again and threw them out of my house. I told them to sort their spoilt 28 year-old son out.

But they wouldnt listen.

I was in a parking lot minding my own business when Cha Cha jee accidently nudged my Honda. I got out to see if there was any damage. There was a minor dent and Cha Cha G offered me his sincere apologies and went on his way. A month later Cha Cha G wants to get compensation for whiplash. I went to court and told them he had hit me and there was nothing wrong with Cha Cha or his BMW. I even saw him at the Kabbadi tournament the next day playing up front.

But they wouldn't listen.

I trained to become a plumber and was called to a house to fix a leak. I spent over two hours trying to find that blasted leak and then another three fixing it. It was a Sunday night and I had the flu. My bill came to £65 but the owner handed me a tenner. I asked the brother to reconsider so he gave me another fiver. Man, did I kick-off. When the police arrived I told them what had happened.

But they wouldn't listen.

One day I got a call from a friend who wanted some cards made for his wedding. I gave him a number of a bloke and told him to sort it out himself. It turns out the wedding cards never arrived on time because my friend hadnt paid the full deposit. My friend accused me of ruining his wedding. Then his wife-to-be rang up and swore at me too. Then his mum and dad turned up to swear at me to my face. I told them it wasnt my fault.

But they wouldn't listen.

I was in a restaurant where the waiter was taking the P***. I had waited for thirty minutes and still he walked by. I got up to have a word with the manager who told me they were very busy. An hour went by and my food still hadnt arrived. I complained once more before deciding to leave. At which point the food was served. The manager wouldnt let me leave until I had paid for it. They blocked my way and made me feel like a cheapskate. I kicked-off.

I've told the prison warden Im a nice bloke and I shouldn't be here.

But he won't listen.