I LIE on the operating table in the middle of open heart surgery, writes NEIL BRAMWELL.

The surgeon, having just clamped my aorta, suddenly whips off his gown and mask to rush off to his evening aromatherapy class.

In saunters a GCSE biology student who attempts to finish the job with a butter knife and knitting needles.

When his mistakes are discovered at my routine follow-up months later, the surgeon refuses to repair the damage as his aromatherapy business is flourishing.

Thank goodness the FA top brass do not run the NHS, for such nightmares could easily come true.

For these men have placed English football, with wounds gaping, its jugular severed, nerve ends exposed and in a right old bloody mess, in the caring clutches of a part-time job-sharing practitioner.

When Kevin Keegan can tear himself away from intense preparations for Fulham's tricky trip to Lincoln or Macclesfield, he must squeeze in such trivia as a European Championship campaign.

Don't panic, though. For as KK worries whether Chris Coleman should attack the near post at set-pieces, the England side will be safe hands if Keegan, as is widely tipped, announces Peter Beardsley as his number two. Beardsley's credentials for the job are second to none as he has none.

At least Keegan and company only have four months in which to more seriously damage the health of the nation's game.

For the utterly bizarre arrangement, one of a number of recent FA measures such as the Arsenal Cup replay designed to show a new decisiveness and feather the nest of the odious David Davies, allows both parties an embarrassing cop-out.

Keegan can crawl back to Mohamed Al Fayed cap in hand if the nasty media upset his delicate disposition.

The very fact that he will not commit himself to the job proves beyond doubt that he does not have enough backbone to be successful.

But the FA emerge from this latest farce with even less credit. Keegan should have been told to sling his hook the second he started making these outrageous demands.

The job can only be given to a man - or woman, of course - who unconditionally yearns to manage England.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.