This is an important public safety announcement... your blood pressure and your boredom threshold could be put under severe strain.

Reports are coming in of hordes of wannabe councillors operating throughout the district.

The public has been warned to be on the look out for rosette-clad gangs flogging promises.

Residents have been alerted to the ruse. One group operating in the area four years ago booted another lot out when they were given votes in exchange for the laudable promise of open and accountable local government - the authorities have since been called upon to investigate this!

To protect yourself against these slick operators and to ensure your tea doesn't go cold while you're kept at the doorstep, Citizen Smith has put together an election time survival pack.

If you are unable to hide behind the sofa or fit a gunge tank in your porch simply follow these simple guidelines:

Keep cups of tea and biscuits out of view otherwise they'll sit round your coffee table for an impromptu sub-committee meeting.

List every promise they make on headed notepaper borrowed from the local solicitors. When they've finished, ask if they'd like to sign the contractual obligation clause at the end.

Open the door enthusiastically, invite them in and and offer them a copy of the Watchtower.

Tell them you're a facilitator for the Lancaster City Council Tax Payers' Support Group. Is there something they would like to share with the group?

Warmly invite them in, tell them it's a house party and you've got a brilliant business idea.

And whatever colour their rosette if none of the above stops them from uttering that tricky question: "Can I rely on your vote?" Citizen Smith suggests the use of those immortal words which forever ring around the corridors of power at the town hall.

Repeat after me: "No comment."

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.