THE Lord Chancellor, Lord Irvine, has ordered an inquiry into why road rage killer and notorious villain Kenneth Noye got £250,000-worth of legal aid for his recent trial for murder.

It was no secret that this thug had made crime pay so handsomely he had a £500,000 villa in Spain and drove flash cars. A scandal? Of course, it is - and an even worse one that there's an inquiry only now and not before when he was raiding the public purse.

If, over a year, employees who smoke spend more than three working weeks on cigarette breaks, why shouldn't their bosses make them put in extra time at their jobs, as Tower Hamlets Council in London is about to do? The health fascists behind this move should enjoy the moment while it lasts for, before long, hordes of frazzled town hall workers will be launching law suits for huge dollops of compensation on account of stress and discrimination.

Eight-times-wed film star Elizabeth Taylor wanted her own bodyguards to handle security at Buckingham Palace when she goes there in a fortnight to get the 'Dame' gong she was awarded in the New Year Honours. She's a big star and could get mobbed in seconds, said her spokesman. "And she would certainly want to enjoy the event without having to exchange pleasantries with some village dog catcher getting a gong for 50 years' public service," added the mouthpiece. Big star? Yeah, and a bighead as well.

Tomorrow we will see the unique phenomenon of up to two million people happily voting for disaster when 'Red' Ken Livingstone walks it in the election for Mayor of London. Why should so many do that when Ken's Loony Left past spells out what new madness is in store? It's a price they think is worth paying to take bossy Tony Blair down a peg or two. If they are so happy to hurt themselves in order to hurt him, the Prime Minister should feel humbled - if that's still possible.