AS reshuffle fever gripped Westminster yesterday, former Government Whip Greg Pope was less than optimistic.

The Hyndburn MP's main hope was to get a bigger office!.

Mr Pope revealed: "I don't expect a new government job. I'm just hoping for a better office.

"When you're in government they give you a little broom cupboard because you have an official room to work from.

"When I lost my job as a Whip, there was no where else to put me, so I was stuck with my tiny room. I'm hoping a backbench colleague will get a Ministerial job so I can have his room."

ON a recent visit to South Africa, Burnley MP Peter Pike was looking at a new football pitch in a black suburb when two women rushed up.

They demanded to know if he was from the local council, as he was wearing a tie. Despite his protestations they demanded the soccer field be scrapped for a bench and some flowers.

Clarets fan Mr Pike remarked: "Wherever you are and what ever you do, someone protests!

"Some of the young players were very good. It would be nice if Burnley could sign them. They'd be a bargain."

RIBBLE Valley MP Nigel Evans this week held a debate on violence against small shopkeepers - revealing he had himself been attacked in his family convenience store in Swansea on New Year's Eve 2000.

But he said: "I declare an interest as the owner of a small retail business which my sister now runs, and makes a profit, now that I have gone.''

Not a candidate for the Tory party's small business brief then - although his sister might be a better bet!

LIBERAL Democrat MP Simon Hughes was asking a lengthy question to Foreign Secretary Jack Straw about Zimbabwe when Speaker Michael Martin interupted him. He told the frontbencher to shut up (in Parliamentary language), adding: "There are others who wish to ask questions."

Blackburn MP Mr Straw, no lover of Lib Dems, replied: "Thank God, Mr Speaker."

ROSSENDALE and Darwen MP Janet Anderson recently attended the Whitworth Mayor making and told her politician partner Jim Dowd it was black tie. When they got to Lords Catering in the town and found it to be casual a fuming Mr Dowd raced into the gents to get his bow tie off, making him look only a bit of a fool in his dinner suit.