with the Rev Kevin Logan, Vicar of Christ Church Accrington.

IMAGINE Jesus turning up as your local vicar.

Asda goes on a three-day week because the new man keeps throwing miracle picnics for all with borrowed loaves and tiddlers.

Next, your doctor's receptionist rings to drum up business.

Sorry, you happily snap at the reincarnation of Mrs Adolf Hitler, can't possibly see him until next month.

Our new vicar's done wonders for my piles, and his encore with my new hip joint is great!

Later, passing Woolworth's, you trip over a begging unshaven down-and-out. It's the local undertaker -- Spare a body the price of a cuppa, mate!

Forget Don't Drop the Coffin. He hasn't lifted one for ages since you-know-who cornered the market.

Every funeral ends in resurrection, much to the delight of the coffin carriers not to mention the contented coffin contents. The carpenters, however, are celebrating. The loss of a keen joiner means more business for them.

Plus, the authorities have just ordered extra execution crosses at the request of bankrupt off-licences.

Seems yon vicar changed the water authority into a distillery overnight, producing the best-ever vintage to flow out of Chateau Accrington.

Bankers are foaming. The vicar's flock have started storing up their riches with HSBC Heaven's Sure-fire Blessings Co, determined not to ape the rich fool in Luke's parable who buried God behind his earthly riches.

Some religious leaders aren't best pleased either, having lost half their congregations to the new upstart.

Local adulterers and thieves, on the other hand, are having a ball.

Turns out that Jesus loves them, especially those who repent.