I NEED two kitchens.

I really do. I need two kitchens, four bathrooms – no, make that five – a dining room, two reception rooms and – top of the list – a utility room. I’m sick of towels and jeans that flow, lava-like, across my living room.

So why do I need these rooms which at present I don’t have? In the same way that Ed Miliband has attempted to justify him having two kitchens – one used only for preparing “tea and quick snacks” – I will outline the reasons: *Two kitchens: Our teenage daughters frequently reject our choice of meals, preferring to do their own thing, usually centred around frozen pizzas. This way they would not jostle with us for oven space. Having their own kitchen would also spur them into doing their washing-up, because – having our own, clean-as-a-whistle worktops – we would not feel any pressure to clean up after them.

*Five bathrooms: one for each of us, me, my husband, my daughters. If I’m honest, I spend the least time in it, but it would be nice to know there is always one free if I do feel the need to have a soak or go to the loo. It would also be great to have a bathroom that wasn’t always blighted by wet towels, stray hairs, globules of toothpaste and dozens of bottles of products, most with the tops off. A fifth bathroom would be nice because our cats like nothing better than to sit in the bath and play with running water – it keeps them from getting under my feet for hours.

*One dining room: I think the estate agent used artistic licence when selling our home, describing a room the size of a cupboard as a dining room.

*Two reception rooms: (although why we call them this I have no idea. “Does anyone other than Hyacinth Boquet say “Come into the reception room”?) I’d like two because I like to watch Location, Location, Location without derision from my husband.

*A utility room: This is so vital, I’m sick of living in a launderette.

I hope that if I eventually manage to get these things it will not spark a huge outcry among my family and friends similar to that which followed the revelation that Ed Milliband had two kitchens.

Does it really matter? Having second homes funded on expenses is one thing, but two kitchens – surely we can forgive someone for that? I imagine many MPs’ country piles will have the full Downton package. With an election coming up, wouldn’t you think we would be discussing something a little more important?