TAKE four women, a man-free weekend and a Spanish city at sales time and what do you get?

Shopping carnage, that’s what.

As I write, I’m recovering from a trip with my 81-year-old mother and sister to Bilbao in northern Spain, where my daughter is living.

The daughter had an eventful weekend planned – the Museo de Bellas Artes to see a 50s fashion exhibition, the Guggenheim, a spectacular rooftop bar, a trip down the river that runs through this sensational city and traditional tapas bars.

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The reality was very different in a city which seems to have a branch of the fashion retailer Zara on every corner.

Now I know we have Zara and Mango in this country, but prices seem to be cheaper in Spain and it was “rebajas” all the way. Add to this, temperatures of 42 degrees and you can get an idea of the damp, hysterical shopping frenzy to which we succumbed. It was ugly, to say the least.

Spanish women know how to shop in style. They dress for the occasion, leisurely peruse what’s on offer and queue for the changing rooms which seem to be in much shorter supply than in Britain. OK, they know how to elbow another female in the spleen if they spot a steal, but generally it’s a civilised affair.

Imagine four sweaty Brits, spanning three generations, covered head to toe in factor 30, with a fervent desire to splash the euros. They then discover Spanish sizes are significantly smaller than in the UK. I’m amazed no-one was killed.

I have emblazoned on my brain the picture of my red-faced mother struggling to put on a top over the one she was wearing in the middle of the shop floor because she couldn’t be bothered to queue for the changing room. Shop assistants circled nervously, anticipating an octogenarian in three layers making a bolt for freedom.

I didn’t actually need any clothes, but that didn’t stop me buying a shift dress, a pair of trousers, a shell top, a cardigan, a pair of Grecian sandals, a pair of shorts and a shirt (for Himself) – all for around £80.

We made the fashion exhibition, but the rest of the schedule fell by the way side. A quick calculation confirmed seven visits to Zara, four to Mango, at least 20 to other fashion shops with pitstops at tapas bars. I love a bit of culture.