I'M in Germany as you read this, sporting my double-breasted tuxedo while cheering on our lads as they take the field in a new strip.

They're now going for even greater victories for Queen and country under a new name, the Duke of Lancaster's Regiment.

Of course, I'm also backing our triple-lion lads out here as they annihilate Portugal, and pray that the former Queen's Lancashire Regiment will do the decent thing and big-screen the match for its guests.

Whatever, I have to state that in my absence the vicarage is occupied by White Fang, a vicious, blood-thirsty rottweiler, slavering behind the front door and unfed for a week.

An internal electronic fence that could stun a cow let alone a burglar guards the rear of my castle.

Should hound be silenced and electrocution evaded, broken infra-red beams will summon a flying squad of security guards with orders to shoot in the buttocks any who have no right to be in my castle.

Eight times, I've been looted, and razor blades inset into window ledges would be my preferred deterrence, except that poor burglars might just graze their knees and sue me.

God put it quite simply: Thou shalt not steal, nor covet that which belongs to your neighbour.

He didn't suffer law breakers injured while breaking his Ten Commandments to blame him or sue him.

Why do we?