IMAGINE my delight on Monday when I found out I was due a bit of a windfall.

Mystic Meg told me that Pluto “planet of surprises” was going to bring money from an unexpected source.

Great, I thought.

I’d been eyeing up a dress in Topshop that was a wallet-groaning £60 and it’s still a fortnight from pay day.

After visiting www.RussellGrant.com it only got better – I discovered my planned shopping spree really was written in the stars.

“Working for a glamorous industry helps you buy luxury goods at a great discount,” said Russell. (If a columnist for the Lancashire Telegraph isn’t glamorous I don’t know what is!).

But by Wednesday the “unexpected source” was still being a bit shy in stumping up the readies.

And then I read Marion Williamson in the TV Times on Thursday and it all made sense. “Someone close to you just isn’t going to play by the rules,” she said. “Don’t take it personally.”

Someone’s stolen my karma, I thought.

But you know what? I shouldn’t have been surprised, because we all know deep down that horoscopes are a load of twaddle, the last reserve of those in denial, the gullible, and the desperate.

It’s obvious when you think about it — how likely is it that everybody born within 31 days of any given year is going to have identical character traits as well as the same ups and downs at any one time?

The celebs seem into it though. A galaxy of A-listers, from Penelope Cruz and Jessica Parker to Britney Spears are rumoured to have succumbed to astro-therapy when called to make big decisions.

I’ve always been a bit suspicious about that sort of thing. We all know celebs are mainly a bit crazy, and I’ve personally only really ever read my daily horoscope when I’ve been down in the dumps, looking for someone to say something nice.

Perhaps the reason I’m being so down on astrology is because being a Virgo means you never get very exciting predictions — it’s the most boring starsign in the zodiac.

Character traits associated with us Virgos are: being pedantic, tending towards conservatism, being obsessive about hygiene and enjoying making lists (I’ve got to hold my hands up to the latter).

Apparently us Virgos are emotionally cold, but when you crack our icy exterior we’ll love you forever. Not exactly thrilling stuff. I think they only added the last one so Virgos wouldn’t stop reading altogether.

But for me astrology really boils down to a numbers game.

If your stars predict 10 things and there are five million people who have that star sign and read it, it makes sense that a significant amount of them will relate to at least one of the statements and make the predictions appear true.

From now on I’m not buying it. The next time I’m curious to know what the future has in store, I’ll forget astrology and stick to trying to make something positive happen myself.

Then I would say that being a cynical Virgo!