“As a Christian you’re supposed to be Christ-like but Jesus never ran as MP for Nazareth?”

My chin-jutting critic wonders why I’m not following the one I claim to stand for.

“True,” nods I in a corner of Hyndburn’s election counting house as a thousand fingers riffle manically through forty-odd thousand votes to decide my future – Parliament or back to bowling-green retirement.

“Ah, but Jesus did make a public stand on social issues,” I counter in defence. “And he criticised the authorities so much they tried to silence him on a cross.”

My critic’s face puckers unconvinced and I quickly add: “Jesus didn’t keep his faith to himself, but whipped unjust bankers out of his dad’s house, told stories about fair wages, unjust trade, the oppression of widows and economic injustices.”

My critic loses his comeback chance as Hyndburn’s Young People’s Council jump in to grill me on both sides. One, with Jeremy Paxman genes, demands: “Why do you take extreme views on...?” – and so questions go on, just like the six-hour count.

By dawn, and a recount to find missing votes, I’m wondering if there may be an easier way to follow Jesus.

I’ve been harangued for weeks, emailed for my views on the whole of life by half the planet, and told repeatedly that my standing will let in, well, just about every other party.

Hang on. Here’s the result . . . “Kevin Logan, Christian Peoples Alliance, 795 . . .”

Ah, well, back to retirement and this column. Actually, I’ve missed you all. It’s great to be back.