I RECKON I've been quite a good boy this year, so come December 25 my sock drawer should be bursting.

But I won't take any comfort from having that new cotton sensation on my feet - not until Santa gets with the 21st century programme.

The old guy is living in a sentimental past. He has no concept of modern living. He's outmoded, outdated and, as my pals who work in marketing say, he needs 'rebranding' for today.

Perhaps losing a few pounds would be a start.

All year, so much has been written about obesity levels rising in our children - is it any wonder with such an overweight role model?

That red costume is ludicrous too. Sure, it might keep him warm in winter but how about a nice new tracksuit? It will certainly help today's youngsters to identify with him, and push home the healthy living message at the same time.

Talking of children, has the guy's criminal record been checked? Just a thought.

Actually, having said that, it doesn't seem that he abides by a lot of the rules and regulations we so desperately need to operate today.

He's like the crumbling factory which refuses to submit to the hard and fast rules which keep modern industry busy.

The more I think about it, it seems for too long that jovial, much-loved giver of gifts, has been getting away with murder.

For some reason his present-giving private enterprise is exempt from the sort of rules and regulations we need to keep things in check.

Why is it that our small businessmen are all bound in so much red tape when Father Christmas gets to run his show without any interference? It's so unfair.

Health and safety? Has he ever heard of it? Flying all over the place in a reindeer-powered open-top sleigh and jumping down chimneys!

I don't know what the emission rates are for reindeers driven by magic dust but I don't recall Lapland signing up to the Kyoto agreement. Do you?

We have a little thing called the working time directive which stops our lorry drivers from driving until they drop and end up ploughing into a central reservation.

But this Pere Noel fella is blatantly exploiting the loophole created by changing time zones when he drives all over the world in one night. And I bet he never declares those carrots and mince pies and glasses of sherry we leave out for him either.

In fact it wouldn't surprise me if all that present giving was just some big tax fiddle, you know.

Then we get our homes flooded with cheap foreign imports, again thanks to Santa. His army of worker elves slave away all year to produce those toys and gifts before he delivers them.

How can our own industry compete with worker elves? To cap it all, since when did elves come from the North Pole? They are clearly an immigrant work force and I doubt they are offered the same protections as workers in European states.

We have rules and regulations for a reason. If people like Father Christmas are allowed to ride roughshod over them, everything will fall to pieces.

Can you imagine a world without strict adherence to regulatory codes, where things operated purely on good sense and good will? It's a nightmare vision only politicians and civil servants can save us from.