Eric Leaver's Monday

HEALTH Minister Stephen Dorrell's idea for supermarkets to have doctor's surgeries in them may be novel, but I wonder whether he and his think-tank wallahs have considered the consequences. I have.

Let us proceed then to the GP practice of the future located in the vastness of the local MegaSave...

Receptionist: "Right, Mrs Fishwick, the doctor will see you now. Room No. 3"

Another customer: "No, she's not next, you know. I happen to have a MegaSave Loyal Customer Gold Card, entitling me to fast-tracking. And I've collected all them coupons you've been advertising in the paper for No Waiting Priority During Our Senior Citizens' Autumn Chilblains Special. Killing me, they are, 'an all."

Receptionist: Beg pardon, Mr Crabtree, you are so right. Your turn, it is. Don't forget to pick up your voucher for a free surgical appliance assessment on your way out. There's 25 per cent off all trusses ordered before Christmas (strictly one per rupture, though, and proof of eligibility may be needed - in which case you'll have to make an appointment with Doreen on the dumplings and haggis display next to the wet fish; something to do with her having a feel for these things, I'm told).

Mr Crabtree: "Right ho, but is it done private, like."

Receptionist: "Certainly, and membership of our BUPA suite entitles you to 11 bottles for the price of 12 in our vintage wines range. Ask at customer services for details,"

Mr Crabtree: "No, you've got me wrong - I'm NHS. Used to be on the list at the health centre before they shut it down, didn't I?" Receptionist: "Oh, sorry. Anyway, you'd better go on through - the doctor's buzzer's going and he's got another 30 appointments to get through before he takes charge of our Mad Rush All The Corn Plasters You Get In A Trolley For Just A Fiver promotion at two o'clock."

(Inside) Mr Crabtree: "It's these chilblains, doctor. Like red hot pokers, they are. Do you want to see me feet or the coupons first?

Doctor: "Open wide. Say 'Aaaah'."

Mr Crabtree: "What do you mean, 'Say 'Aaaah'?' It's me toes, not me tonsils, what wants seeing to."

Doctor: "I know, but I was just going to give one of these free samples of our new gorgonzola. It's quite delicious. Though I do recommend a rinse afterwards with our own-brand Minty Glow mouthwash for freshening the breath - and there's 12 per cent extra free at present on the family-size two-litre bottle."

Mr Crabtree: "Aye, that's as maybe, but what about summat for me feet? I went through the war, you know - I'm entitled. What do you recommend?

Doctor: "Well, I'll write you a prescription for that. But you may also find it beneficial to try one of those battery-powered foot spas that you'll find in Household Goods under a big As Seen On TV sign."

Mr Crabtree: "Well, I'm not sure about what you recommend - not after my missus came in here a fortnight ago with a rash up to her elbows that you said was a bad case of Washerwoman's Itch and told her to switch to MegaSave's own-brand allergy-free soap power. It might have cured her rash, but it doesn't get the muck out of my collars like the other stuff did." Doctor: "Dear me. But our Rubbo For Collars, Cuffs and Difficult Stains ought to clear up the problem pretty fast. And if you add some Fresho fabric conditioner - the Summer Meadow fragrance is very popular - everything your wear will smell and feel like new."

Mr Crabtree: "Aye, well, I reckon nowt of this here. It used to cost nowt to go to t' doctor's. Now, you end up filling a trolley with stuff if you take notice of all he tells you that you should have. And when you're on the pension you can't afford it. I reckon you're on commission, mate."

Doctor: "Er, the contractual arrangements that I, the NHS and MegaSave have with each other are confidential, I'm afraid. But if finance is a problem, may I recommend MegaSave saving stamps. They really do help spread the load and once you fill a card, you get two 50p stamps free."

Mr Crabtree: "Any road, this stuff you're prescribing for my chilblains; is it any good?"

Doctor: "Very effective in most cases. But I'd like to see you again in a fortnight."

Mr Crabtree: "To check mi progress, like?"

Doctor: "No, didn't I tell you? - it's our Christmas Pudding tasting then. Which reminds me, have you tried our So-Eezee Instant Custard?"

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.