The opinions expressed by John Blunt are not necessarily those of this newspaper

ACCORDING to widespread opinion, the biggest disappointment of Millennium Night was the less-than-spectacular midnight River of Fire on the Thames that was supposed to be the centrepiece of London's firework display.

Yet, as let-downs go, it was easily outdone by the Torrent of Dire on telly two nights later - when, in a one-off ratings-grabber special, dizzy ex-Rovers Return barmaid Raquel returned to Coronation Street and her deserted husband, Curly Watts, whom she left three years ago.

But rather than turning out to be a damp squib, this extended episode - the first in all the Street's 39 years to feature just two characters - was a megaton dollop of the ludicrous.

In case you missed it (lucky you), out of the blue, up rolls Raquel at Curly's door to explain why she hopped off to be a beauty therapist in Kuala Lumpur - like you do - and why she's back.

It is hard to compress the convoluted 45-minute plot into a few words but, in short, while doing bikini waxes in Malaysia, Raquel realises she's about to be a mum.

She shoots home to move in with her sister and have Curly's daughter and then gets a job in France nannying for a rich wine-grower with his own detached chateau in the Loire Valley and a libido that gets her pregnant again.

So, while Curly is filling up her glass with his best vino, she asks would he be a love and bless this new union with his kind consent, like?

I know they edit out the glitches nowadays, but I can only pay tribute to the acting ability of Sarah Lancashire and Kevin Kennedy, who play these parts, for getting through the episode and not only seeming that they were seriously playing real people, but also not showing even the tiniest tendency to throw up while delivering this diet of far-fetched and mawkish tripe.

If this kind of drivel can draw a peak audience, there must be an awful lot of people who like having their intelligence insulted nowadays - when once what made Coronation Street so popular was its relevance to the lives of ordinary viewers.

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