IN this festive season of jollity, I find there are four types of shoppers.

There are the mothers with pushchairs, forming a wagon train that is impossible to get past -- and if you try, you are promptly run over.

Then, there is the I'm-not-sure-what-I-am-doing-here shopper.

These can be recognised by the lobotomised expressions on their faces. This type tries to walk through you instead of around you.

Number Three is the ankle-chopper with a trolley, which he rams into anyone without fear or favour.

No 4 is the last-minute shopper who snarls and growls at anyone in their way, like a pit-bull terrier with haemorrhoids.

So, gentle folk, as Scrooge once said when greeted with a cheery Merry Christmas: "Bah, humbug."

Shopping at this time of year can be hazardous to your health and sanity. So, like me, cancel Christmas and just let it pass over your head.

Merry Christmas to one and all. Not!

R CUTTING (Mr), Summerville Walk, Blackburn.