'Tu ne Peelum Dhenki Hai Tum Bin?' - well no not really because I never got the chance.

When I go to the Cinema I expect to see a fil'am.

I don't want to sit in my £5 seat and listen to your crap all evening, understand!

I can't do many things. My grandad once told me the three golden rules of survival:

1) No pub or club

2) No car after bar

3) No Khuree and no Khurahs

I'm sick of sitting in a car outside the park and my mates have got wise and don't let me into their front rooms anymore.

So the Cinema is the only place I can go.

You finally find out theres a movie you want to watch and drive miles to the cinema.

The cars parked up, you've waited in the queue for half an hour and you find a seat. Sorted - the ads have finished and it's time to watch the movie.

Then it starts... not the movie but the irritating crunching noise from the group of girls who bring buckets of pop corn and king size bags of cheese and onion crisps.

Massi's in the house too. Her kids won't shut up and she's brought a load of samosas for everyone.

She spends the next 15 minutes unwrapping them one by one and dishing them out to 12 members of her family.

The guys ain't no better. One of them has to make a smart remark every two minutes about how great the music is and how he doesn't get the story line, especially when there's a Bollywood movie on.... what do you need to know?

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy sings a song, girl sings a song, someone dies, someone cries, everyone goes home happy.

And what about the Asian couple you always see if you go to the pictures during the day.

There's no-one else in the place but these two and when you walk in they pretend to be discussing the state of the wallpaper.

When the place is packed out you feel you have to have a spare seat either side of you. And nothing else matters. I hate the people who put their jackets on the seat next to them pretending they're waiting for someone. OK, it keeps the stinkers and the scratchers away but what about the rest of us.