with the Rev Kevin Logan, Vicar of Christ Church, Accrington

"I'VE got some commandments!" booms the heavenly voice.

"How much?" asks a shrewd Moses.

'Free! "

"Okay, we'll try ten."

This version of The Ten Commandments exists on the basis that if we don' laugh we'll cry.

Truth to tell, that bearded bloke in the Cecil B De Mille fifties epic and his Boss are problems. We don't keep their laws, and if any Saturday Messager does, he can have star-billing next week.

As for us mere mortals, we've totted up so many penalty points that we fear disqualification for eternity, and that sounds like hell!

Somebody raised this fear after I got excited in the last Saturday Message about the happy ending awaiting all God lovers.

"How come if we can't even keep the commandments?" the Somebody demanded to know.

This Somebody obviously saw God as bad news and, to be honest, so once did I. God seemed to hate everything I liked -- girls, fattening food and fun ...

Vicars shouldn't confess this, but I didn't darken church thresholds for years trying to escape this kill-joy deity.

It was only when I reached the pits of life my own personal Prodigal Son story -- that I risked giving God a second chance.

Don't worry, God stressed as I read his Bible. I love you and the world so much that I sent my Son to take all your punishment...believe in me and you will be saved. Trust me!

His rider was the best. It's all free. My gift to you and, by the way, I invented girls, food and fun. Enjoy. But do it my way.