He's the cock you know!

Even though the one I bought last year is almost new I still need one and a new shirt to go with my new shoes.

Don't they know that pencil cases and pens can make all the difference. If you can't be professional at least look the part is what I always say.

Oh, isn't it a lovely time of year. So much to look forward to. New books, the smell of a new school bag, new teachers and no homework for the first week.

Going to buy your school uniform is no easy task because no matter how you look at it you get screwed.

Either you wear your older brother's blazer and pants and look like a clown or you can go to the town centre and buy a new set, ten sizes too big.

My mama used to get me the full strip. Including two jumpers - one to wear over the shirt and the other to wear underneath.

Once my blazer ripped when I was playing football and I had to wear my sisters spare one. The one with the frills.

And the night before the big day it was like Eid all over again.

I think there were only a few of us who used to sleep in our uniforms. We were the clever ones.

Only the posh people got a lift to school. The rest of us had to walk. I would call for Sitinder and Omar would call for me. And there was always one of my mates who wouldn't get out of bed until we called at his house. It took us about four years to realise we were getting out of bed extra early so we could basically go and stand outside his house for twenty minutes every morning.

Home dinners or sandwiches that is the question. Wow! What a choice to have. Well, this year I think I'll be going home for dinners Miss because my mama makes great egg on toast and I want to watch Rainbow.

But within days it's back to jam sandwiches. A week later you end up looking for dinner tokens on the black market.

And if you are brave enough you could go to the local chippy for a chip butty.

Break time was always the best. Cheese and Onion crisps and someone telling you they are haram.

'Let me eat my crisps in peace' one guy said to me.

And who's the cock of the school? I wonder?

Wouldn't be great if they had cocks for everything in life. Like work. You could have the cock of the accounts department, cock of reception and cock of customer services.

The only thing I hated about the first week was how everyone had the same story to tell about their summer holidays.

'So where did you go during the summer holidays?' the teacher would ask. Four of us would say Pakistan, six India, two Bangladesh and the other twelve, Blackpool.