I write concerning an important issue which needs to be addressed in our community.

Picture the scene. It's time to eat and you are sitting in someones brand spanking new front room.

The food has been served and you sit patiently waiting for someone to tuck in first, so you don't look like a greedy sod.

The chooza (roast chicken) comes first. The heavyweights have already eyed up the most succulent pieces up so its useless even trying to go for that.

At this point all sense of reason is lost. After the botees (Chiken legs) I have been brought up to believe that one must go for the 'Loonay Chawal' (brown rice). But I have noticed the hosts tend to be bringing in everything at the same time. All the dishes are being served at once leaving little room for error.

The order of things is being lost in a bid to increase the level of production and efficiency.

By doing so people are hurrying up the eating process and most will agree we are not getting the full allotted time to savour the experience. The salan roti (curry and nans) is being served far too early in the meal and before know you it the trifle and mithay chawal (sweet rice).

I want to bring to the attention of all the 'home servers' that this not acceptable and one must be allowed to eat all the the dishes separately without being dealt a sweet dish barely ten minutes into the meal. I suggest hosts should re-employ the experienced servers rather than some 'kid'. Strict timing and the overlapping of dishes can make all the difference.

It is of paramount importance that we do not give-in to the pressure of the 'British born' cooks who want to get us out of their homes as quick as possible.

In the olden days it was a refreshing experience eating at someone else's house. Rotees (chapattis) were warm and fresh and food was served on the best china - not plastic.

I was recently in one home where I was offered tea, samosas and biscuits before the main meal. I feel this was not an error and the host wished to 'fill us up' before we tackled the main meal. In the same home I was also forced to sit with little leg space next to an extremely large gentelman who promptly ate everything in the vicinity of myself and my two law-abiding colleagues. The host did not notice this, so I missed out on my favourite - 'Ande Koftes' (boiled eggs and meatballs).

I also had the misfortune to sit opposite a very messy and bad mannered eater who burped and coughed continuously throughout the meal.

I hape to begin a campaign for the following set of rules to be implemented. Firstly, a designated plate for bones needs to be placed in the centre of the table / floor. Secondly, extra tissues must be on hand at all times, so when we reach for the coke bottle we do not cover our hands with someones else's chutney. Thirdly, all fat ******* should be given their own eating space, preferably in another room. Fourthly, those making trifle should be trained in how to make it properly so it doesn't collapse at the very first spoonful. Finally, the making of a biryani is an art and should not be attempted by someone who has no idea how much loon (salt) and mirch (spice) is acceptable.

By following these simple rules we can all learn to enjoy visits to each others homes without being made to feel like cattle.

Equality and fairness for all. Where is the love? It's my birthday and you go girl.

The Last Bit