WHEN Clitheroe pensioner Norman Ireland made a vow to love wife Marjorie in sickness and in health, little did he realise the emotional journey on which the promise would take him. But in 1996 Marjorie was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and for the next eight years Mr Ireland dedicated his life to caring for her. Now he has opened the diaries he kept during that time to reveal the struggles hundreds of carers in Lancashire go through every day. .

NORMAN Ireland said goodbye to his wife Marjorie long before she died.

In the final years of her illness she showed no recognition or flicker of emotional attachment - yet her loyal husband refused to leave her side until she finally passed away.

Mr Ireland, 75, of Peel Park Close, took on the 24-hour a day, seven-day-a-week job of caring for his wife while she battled against senility caused by Alzheimer's disease.

Struggling to cope with his beloved wife's deteriorating condition, he poured his thoughts and feelings into a diary, which he kept from when she was first diagnosed in 1996, until her death in May last year.

In the volumes he detailed his frustrations, his anger, his hopes and his despairs. Sometimes moving, sometimes uplifting, but always written straight from the heart.

Now he has released the moving diaries in an attempt to highlight the plight of other carers across Lancashire.

The former policeman said: "I was and am still bitter. There was no respite.

"Even when physical care was provided the pressure mentally never let up.

"I agreed to release the diaries because carers are not mentioned often and hopefully this will bring what they do to light."

The diary makes both painful and heartbreaking reading and takes the reader on a journey of the devastation that Alzheimer's has on both the sufferer and those who love them most.

The family home in Clitheroe is still full of tokens of happier times and Mr Ireland cherishes memories of happier times spent walking, dancing, on trips out to the coast and gardening.

The couple met over 50 years ago in 1952 in their home city of Sunderland when they both worked at Hylton Paper Mill. Mr Ireland said he was swept off his feet and they fell in love at first sight.

They married in 1954 after Mr Ireland had served his two years in the National Service and moved from the North East to Lancashire in 1957 when he joined the police force in Clitheroe.

Mr Ireland said there are lessons to be learned from the diaries, including the cost of being stubborn and proud.

In one entry, he wrote: "I am now a lonely old man and how I regret those silly arguments we had (my fault always) and the stupid huffs and black moods I used to get into.

"I am so very, very sorry. Now we can't even kiss and cuddle like we used to."

At one point Norman vowed to stop writing the diary, saying that the effort of writing his inner most thoughts and feelings was becoming too painful.

But his desire to continue to the end of the journey - to death do us part - and to finish what he started became too great.

Even when forced to make a decision that doctors should not resuscitate Marjorie, which he likened to signing her death certificate, he carried on writing.

Despite Marjorie's death Norman still takes every opportunity to champion the cause of carers and to make sure their voice is heard. He takes an active interest in the work of Lancashire Care NHS Trust and has direct links to the decision makers on the board through his work on the Trust's user/carer committee.

Norman is also a member of the Alzheimer's Care Group which meets once a month at the Oakview Resource Centre.

A spokesman for the Lancashire Care NHS Trust said: "Norman is not alone. Many people care for their loved ones when they become ill and can no longer look after themselves.

"By sharing his experiences Norman hopes that he can offer some help to others who find themselves in similar situations."

Call Carers Link on 01254 387444.

Dear diary...

February 1996: Alison (nurse at Bradford Memory Centre) confirmed Marjorie was suffering from that dreadful Alzheimer's disease after asking her outright. Devastated - will I, can I cope?

Alison further informed me that I was suffering from stress and would shortly need help to cope. I am to attend a meeting at Feniscowles community centre.

Visited Feniscowles community centre and met Mr Phillip McCarthy who proved himself very helpful indeed at putting himself at my disposal, telling me to contact him if in need, as he put it, someone "to shout at". Most appreciated.

March 28, 1996: I am now beginning to feel stressful, short tempered (nasty), losing my patience with Marjorie, although ashamed of myself for being this way.

I am trying my best and at times this is not good enough by far. I feel at times that I am at my wits end. No help and no-one to talk to. It can be so trying.

I'm aware that Marjorie cannot help her condition, that makes me feel worse. I say some awful things to her hoping to jolt her mind again to no avail. Prayers and religion do not help. In this state one tries anything.

February 11, 1997: In my own way, be it right or wrong, I think if I could get Marjorie to cry and show some emotion I would have done some good. Marjorie's mind seems to slightly deteriorate every day. If there was only something I could do to help her. I often sit in the lounge early mornings, have a cup of tea and read, then cry like a baby. This eases me a little. Then I start to think, what has Marjorie (or I for that matter) done to deserve this? It has turned me bitter and oh so cynical. I wish things could be as they were and we could both have peace of mind and our old happiness.

January, 1999: During the past months I have been down in the dumps and stressed.

It is not easy for me (although I am not using this as an excuse) being with Marjorie and not being able to have a normal conversation.

I feel it will not be long before I am entering the same condition as her and believe me that is a big big worry. For if anything did happen to me I dread to think what would happen to Marjorie. If there is a God (and I very much doubt it) I hope that he takes me first then I can go with a contented mind knowing that she did not suffer this dreadful disease any longer.

February 2000: I left Marjorie at the hospital heavy hearted and drove somewhere out in the country for another good cry. Where and when is all this pain and anxiety going to end?

Oh Marjorie, how I wish we could go off together, then we would have no worries, just our own eternal love and happiness. You did not deserve this.

July 2001: You not knowing me after all these years we have had together hurts like hell my darling. Oh Marjorie how I miss you

I knew it would eventually come, when I look into your eyes and there is no recognition, it is like being stabbed with a red hot poker. But you know I still love you - I like to think that you understand that.

Goodbye my ever loving darling and wife and thank you for the happiness you gave all the years we had together.

April 2002: They want me to make a decision - Do Not Resuscitate. I feel like I am signing your death certificate. I only hope that you can forgive me. My heart is now well and truly broken. It will be so hard for me to say goodbye.

You will still be with me in heart, mind and body forever. Love you flower.

May 2004: Well my darling you have now passed on and left me, holding my hand and taking me with you in spirit. So you are not alone as I am. You were the love of my life and always will be even in death. Goodbye my flower - for the time being.

Marjorie, if there is a God, in you he has one hell of an angel.