There are few things that worry a parent more than watching the sparkle disappear from their child. They become quieter, angrier, stop enjoying things they once loved or suddenly dread somewhere they used to happily go. You ask what's wrong and receive that wonderfully informative teenage response: "Nothing."
But sometimes, as a parent, you just know.
Youth Mental Health Day took place on 19 September, and it got me thinking about this both as a therapist and, more importantly, as a mum.
I remember being that age. I remember desperately wanting to fit in, worrying about what people thought and experiencing friendship fallouts that genuinely felt like the end of the world. Yet when I went home, much of it stayed outside. We didn't have the level of social media young people have today, constantly showing us who was together, what we'd missed and how everybody else was apparently living their best life.
Today's young people can carry their entire social world home in their pocket.
Harrison is home educated, and while that works beautifully for our family, I'd never suggest it's right for every child. He has responsibilities. He can put a wash on, cook a meal and use a sewing machine if necessary. I'm preparing him for adulthood, but I'm equally passionate about allowing him to be fourteen. There's no rush to become somebody simply because the world expects it.
So what happens when you see your own child struggling? Do they need therapy? Time away from school? Less social media? Different friendships? More boundaries?
There isn't one answer, because there isn't one child.
Sometimes professional support is needed. Sometimes something in their environment needs changing. Sometimes they simply need somewhere safe to stop performing for a while and work out who they are.
One thing I've learnt with Harrison is that our best conversations rarely begin with "We need to talk." They happen in the car, walking somewhere, cooking or doing something completely ordinary. Side by side can sometimes feel safer than face to face.
As parents, our instinct is to fix things. But listening is doing something too.
If you're concerned about your child, speak to your GP, school or relevant mental-health service. YoungMinds also offers support and advice for parents and carers worried about a young person's mental health.
This week's tip: Instead of asking "What's wrong?", try: "I've noticed you don't seem like yourself lately. You don't need to explain it now, but I'm here whenever you're ready."
Thought for the week: Our children don't need us to have every answer. Sometimes they simply need a safe place to take off the armour while they find their own.
Kirsty Redford is an NLP therapist and firewalk instructor, passionate about helping people understand their minds, challenge their fears and find their inner power.
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