Editor Richard Duggan answers readers' dilemmas in his weekly agony uncle column, Dear Dicky; he loves to give people advice, whether they want it or not.
If you need some help from a self-professed problem solver, email deardicky@newsquest.co.uk.
Dear Dicky,
My best friend and I have known each other since we were teenagers.
We have shared weddings, children, grandchildren, bereavements and every important moment in between for 40 years.
The problem is that I now dread hearing from her.
Every conversation becomes a list of complaints.
She moans about her neighbours, her family, shop assistants, television programmes and people on Facebook.
Over coffee, she barely asks how I am before launching into her latest rant.
I used to listen patiently and offer advice, but now I sit waiting for the conversation to end.
I go home drained instead of pleased to have seen her.
I feel awful because she has been loyal, supporting me without hesitation when my husband died.
She is kind-hearted and would help me if I needed her, yet I have started making excuses to avoid her.
Last week, I let her call go to voicemail because I could not face another hour of negativity.
Perhaps she is unhappy and needs me, but the friendship now feels one-sided.
I never imagined reaching my sixties and wanting distance from someone who has been part of my life for 40 years.
Am I selfish for avoiding her, or must I accept that our friendship no longer makes me happy?
Dicky says:
You are not selfish, but silence and excuses will solve nothing.
Your friend has earned some patience.
She supported you through bereavement and has proved her loyalty over many years.
But gratitude does not mean surrendering unlimited time and energy.
Before stepping back, consider whether her behaviour is a recent change.
Constant complaining can be a sign that somebody is lonely, worried or struggling.
Ask how she is and give her the chance to say what is behind the bitterness.
Be honest about the impact on you, too.
There is no need for a dramatic confrontation.
When the complaints begin, say gently: "I care about you, but our conversations have become very negative lately. Can we talk about something happier?"
She may be surprised or offended, but a 40-year friendship should survive one honest conversation.
You might even give her the wake-up call others have been too polite to deliver.
If nothing changes, create distance without ending the friendship.
Meet less often, shorten calls and choose activities that stop every outing from becoming a lengthy moaning session.
Friendship is not a life sentence.
Loyalty works both ways, and a good friend should care about the burden she places on your shoulders.
Try honesty and practical steps before giving up.
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