Lancashire actor, writer and comedian Joe McArdle takes a wry look at Lancashire life

With Lancashire life being ground to a halt and the hacks of Westminster playing inconsistent blame-games with us, I feel now is the time to grab hold of what it is that makes us Northern! (And no, that’s not being in Tier 3)

My aim over the next few weeks is to share some ideas that can help make you feel like this pandemic never even started! (Who am I kidding? Course it won’t, but at least you’ll be kept busy for a few hours.)

My suggestion this week would be to 'Make your Private House a Public House!'

Now, if one thing we’re missing is the warmth and ambience our favourite pub, then why not replicate it in your very own home?

Firstly, get yourself some plywood from a nearby skip and lay them across your kitchen counters or tables.

Secondly, ask all your friends to get in their favourite alcoholic beverages, sourcing as many pint and wine glasses that they’ve nicked from pubs and bars over the years, and send them a zoom link.

Once we’ve got the practicalities out the way, we can now focus on the ambience.

But before we do that, you need to decide what kind of pub you’d like to replicate. Are you more of a working man's pub?

Or a metropolitan bar that stick out like a sore thumb in our quaint Lancashire towns? All of these vary in style, smell and quality, so it’s important to know which suits you best.

For me, I prefer the old-fashioned, what my granddad would refer to as a “proper pub”, which consists of carpet flooring, round wooden tables and a name that usually consists of an adjective and then an animal or person. (Mine will be called The Blond Twit).

Once you’ve got the bar, the booze and the name, all you need now is the sounds, smell and people.

For my pub, I’ve began breathing cigarette smoke on all the furniture and spilling bits of ale here and there to get that lovely tangy, stale pub smell (ask your friends to do the same to their own homes). Pop on an Oldham Tinkers record and set up the zoom meeting.

When your friends join, make sure you’re stood behind the bar, polishing a glass and that the first thing you say is “ey up chuck, usual is it?” and job’s a gooden!