Shelling out

A FIVE bedroom house is for sale in swanky Coltbridge Terrace, Edinburgh, for over £900,000. Part of the deal is the resident tortoise, who has lived in the gaff for over 70 years, must remain at the property. Question: Is the tortoise willing to pay half of that hefty mortgage?

Baa humbug

WE’RE devising movie sequels that honestly reflect how the narrative would proceed in the real world. Reader David Gill suggests a follow-up to The Silence of the Lambs, where the animals in question are now older. The new flick would be about ardent SNP supporters who for some strange reason don’t have anything to say about their party’s handling of the exams scandal. And the movie’s name?

“The Silence of the Sheep,” says David.

Trump that

SAFETY conscious reader Simon Fowler uses a rubber Donald Trump facemask outdoors. “It doesn’t stop the transmission of respiratory droplets,” he concedes. “On the other hand, people back off sharpish when they see me coming.”

No’ fair

A STORY of our times. After many years working on the Waltzers and dodgems, reader Joe Knox was dismissed without notice. “Should I now go to the tribunal claiming funfair dismissal?” he asks.

Ten-uous argument

CELTIC defender Boli Bolingoli is the latest Scottish footballer to ignore coronavirus protocols. Which leads former Labour politician and Rangers supporter, Sir Brian Donohoe, to say in balanced and measured tones: “Given the problems of players being so crassly stupid, would it not be sensible to end the season and award the league to the team at the top?”

Temporarily misplacing those balanced and measured tones, he adds: “It would save 10 in a row.”

Floored by loss

BROADCASTER Paul Coia is feeling sentimental. “Our baby left home today and moved in to her first flat, leaving mum and dad sad,” he sighs. In a slightly more upbeat tone he adds: “But we're discovering things we'd forgotten. Like her bedroom has a carpet.”

Fruitful thinking

CHOOSING a birthday treat for herself, Sonia Petersen from Glasgow decided on an ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ meal which included her favourite dessert of strawberries in a meringue nest with cream. This may be her own preference, though she wonders if the UK government’s least favourite dessert is Eton Mess…

Daddy uncool

DIRE dad anecdote. “According to my wife I'm a rotten father for not treating my kids equally,” says reader Alex Brecker, who adds: “I just don't understand it. I love Little Jimmy, Nicola and the ugly one all the same.”