(To John Parker, Darwen Rangers FC chairman, in response to the front page article on the removal of his mole traps, 01/02/19)

I have paused my daily digging duties to write to you, from the temporary safety of my burrow, in order to level the playing field.

I am awfully sorry that my molehills have resulted in an uneven surface on the football pitch you use, but that public patch of earth on which your youngsters play once a week, happens to be my home. The tunnels I create under it allow me to feed and survive.

My home turf used to be further back, but as I’m sure you are aware, a rather large housing estate was built there last year. As sophisticated as my digging skills are, I couldn’t contend with the JCBs and was left with no other option but to migrate and take up residence on the field. What a shame that a mere stone’s throw away from a protected Woodland Trust area, you are setting snares to kill creatures like me, committing no offence other than trying to live peacefully in our natural habitat.

How nice it would be if you educated those children you are responsible for to care for their environment, instead of teaching them that they have a right to kill animals for the sake of Sunday sport.

But I see, every time I poke my head out from my underworld, that your footballers continue to leave mounds of their own on the pitch. They are not made of soil like mine, but of plastic bottles. So sadly, it is clear to me that the environment is not a major concern of yours or your young players.

If only we could come to some sort of agreement that wouldn’t result in me being homeless, or worse, headless. I would take no offence at all if you wished to flatten my mounds of earth with a garden rake before your matches, for instance. Surely that wouldn’t take up too much of your time? Alternatively, I hear indoor Astro Turfs are flat enough to make a spirit level sing, so if you are seriously concerned about broken limbs, maybe you should rethink your playing field options.

Mr A. Mole,

Lower Darwen