It's not been a good few weeks for Bill the Consumer.

My mobile phone company wouldn't talk to me because I couldn't recall my secret word I set 15 years ago.

Could you prompt me, please? Is it someone's maiden name? My favourite place, book, a song?

"Sorry, it's not company policy to prompt people."

Well I can't remember it.

"OK, please chose a new one."

Can you replace my lost/stolen phone? I'm insured.

"Of course, there's a £25 excess on that. "

No one told me that.

"It's company policy."

But I was due another one any way. I could go on.

"It'll be there on Wednesday between 8:30 and 5:30."

Can you be more precise?

"No, that's not company policy."

An e mail comes.

"Your replacement phone will be there on Tuesday between 8:30 and 1pm."

I cancel an important appointment. The phone doesn't come.

Next day I have to go to London. My wife, changing all she has to do, waits in.

At lunchtime, our next door neighbour pops round with a card saying "we called but you were out."

We'd given next door as the compulsory alternative drop off point. But they didn't call at our house.

Off traipses my unimpressed wife to the GPO. The phone is finally with us.

Your delivery procedures really messed us about.

"Sorry, despatches aren't dealt with by us."

There's no memory card.

"Really sorry, we'll send you one."

It arrives. Not for my phone.

"But that's the phone you've got according to our records."

No it's not.

"Well, it should fit anyway."

But it doesn't. We'll send you another.

My wife's only just got her replacement SIM card. But there's still complications there.

I've not told you anywhere like the full story here.

And I've not told you about my car insurance firm yet to resolve issues reported to them 4 weeks ago; the GP of a far off relative who hasn't replied to a letter sent more than 2 months ago (despite "company" policy!); the global furniture megastore that won't send me two tiny missing brackets on something costing about a fiver, despite complying with company policy.

They want me to make a 100 mile round trip to collect!

Do I recall something about the customer being King?