HAS anything interesting happened on Big Brother yet? No, thought not.

Even cookie monster Kathreya has started talking to her imaginary friend.

I don't blame her — she's not going to get any decent conversation out of any of the other vacuous reprobates locked in the house.

The problem with reality TV, I've decided, is that it’s anything but real.

It's nothing like the version of reality I'm used to anyway. I don’t know men who lounge around the house all day wearing vest and necklaces (and a Trilby for goodness sake in Stuart's case).

Perhaps Channel 4 are playing a big joke on us all?

Maybe Big Brother is a Truman Show-style wind-up and the housemates are all genetically modified humanoids bred in a research laboratory off the M25?

Because they definitely don’t seem like the normal people I encounter in my day-to-day life.

Take Mario the meatball for example — surely nobody that cringeworthy actually exists in real life? Someone who can deliver the line “I'm a facilitator” with a straight face.

And as for his porcine-faced girlfriend. Where does she even get those eighties outfits from? Surely you'd need a time machine to get your hands on those cut-out lycra horrors?

I’m just hoping things hot up in the last few weeks when they’ve ditched the deadwood.