THE ceasefire, when it came, was something of a relief. Yet another patched-up detachment of blue and white troops had barricaded themselves in, this time at the New Castle, and repelled the attacks of those loyal to The Dreadlocked One.

King Brian the Beloved initially feared a Valentine's Day massacre, as wave upon wave of the striped hordes descended on the citadel.

He was after all bereft of many of his most trusted knights, notably Sir Stephane of the Swiss Guard who had recently been wounded in action. Other knights, lately added to King Brian's cause, had already fought for other kings in this war and could not join him in battle.

But the king need not have feared: Sir Darren the Hairy had spied for many years on the Toon Army and was a stout defender during the siege and Sir John of the Golden Fleece was unyielding in ensuring there was no breach in the Rovers rearguard.

Indeed, King Brian had a cunning plan, guaranteed to enrage the leader of the enemy.

In the latter stages of the battle, he unveiled a new and hitherto unseen warrior, clad in the king's own colours but in all other respects the mirror image of The Dreadlocked One.

The plan clearly worked, as the attacks of the opposition became increasingly ragged. With no victor declared, the rules of engagement mean the warring factions will meet again 10 days hence on King Brian's home soil.

The military metaphor is apt: It was a real dogfight against the Magpies, yet somehow, I had no real fear of defeat.

Plans had been laid, my accomplices were ready to spring into action.

Had the Geordies taken the lead, my first plan was to disable the St James's Park floodlights - not a new wheeze I know but proven to be effective and potentially lucrative too.

The contingency plan was to approach the FA for a replay, probably on the grounds of the stress and anguish caused to Chris Sutton when Mr Gallagher carelessly waved a red, not yellow, Valentine card in his direction!

Now I can save those schemes for a later round - and maybe, just maybe - this could be our year in the Cup, despite King Brian's edict that all his loyal people should look no further than tomorrow's Battle of Stamford Bridge!

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.