This week a French court banned a couple from naming their child Nutella, as such a name would be “against the child’s interests,” because “wearing a name like that can only lead to teasing or disparaging thoughts.”
Which is pretty much fair enough. As much as most of us love indulging in the chocolatey goodness of Nutella, the inevitably confusing “pass the Nutella, would you?”/”I effing love Nutella”/”Anyone for a Nutella crepe?” conversations are a tad offputting.
But if one couple were banned from naming their kid after a delicious chocolate treat, why on earth are we constantly subjected to celebrities naming their kids after directions/inanimate objects/comic book characters?
Here are some of the LOL-worthy stupid names that are a zillion times worse than Nutella:
1. Kal-el Cage
Nicolas Cage’s son
Long-time comic fan Nicholas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage in honour of Marvel character Luke Cage. So it only seemed natural for him to name is kid Kal-El after Superman, right? No, not right. Because anybody aside from comic book fanatics is going to immediately think of kale.
2. Memphis Eve
Bono’s daughter
According to the infallible knowledge of Google, Bono is worth $600 million (£397 million). Maybe when you acquire a certain amount of money, you completely lose track of all logic and reason and start doing things like buying your favourite hat a first-class plane ticket to your concert (yes, Bono really did this) and calling your kid Memphis Eve.
3. Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther Andre
Katie Price and Peter Andre’s daughter
Peter Andre apparently ‘invented’ the name Tiaamii by combining his mother’s name, Thea, with Katie’s mother’s name, Amy, and sticking Princess in front of it to please his wife. CUTE! Except for now your daughter has the name looks like somebody with a hangover typed it.
4. Prince Michael II/Blanket
Michael Jackson’s son
When Michael Jackson named his first kid Prince Michael in 1997, everyone shrugged it off as a pretentious egomaniac move. However when MJ’s second sprog was somehow conceived in 2002 and was named Prince Michael II, alarm bells started ringing. Especially after the child was nicknamed ‘Blanket’.
5. Rocket, Racer, Rogue and Rhiannon Rodriguez
Robert Rodriguez’s kids
Can you really see Rocket Rodriguez as a heart surgeon? Or Rogue Rodriguez running for President? Cheers, dad.
6. Blue Angel
The Edge’s (U2) daughter
Who knows why The Edge and his former wife Aislinn O’Sullivan chose to call two of their kids normal names (Hollie and Arran) and to subject their third child to a life of bullying and confusion.
7. Blue Ivy
Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s daughter
When your parents are known as Jay-Z and Beyoncé, it’s only fair that you should have an appropriately ridiculous name to match your inevitable lifetime of super-stardom. As stupid as ‘Blue Ivy’ is, we have to admit we’d be more shocked if they’d have gone with ‘Sarah’ or ‘Emma’ or something else painfully normal.
8. Panda Delilah Spencer
Kimya Dawson’s (The Mouldy Peaches) daughter
According to phawker.com, Kimya was going to call the kid Panda Delilah whether it turned out to be a boy or a girl. So we guess there’s a silver lining to this truly awful choice of name. At least there will never be a bloke named Panda in the world.
9. North West
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter
Compared to some of the wack job names on this list, North almost looks like a normal choice. We’re just dreading the day she discovers the Bound 2 video.
10. Tu Morrow
Rob Morrow’s (actor on Numb3rs) daughter
There are the silly hippie names, the wildly pretentious names, the trying-too-hard names, and then there are the ridiculous pun names. Well done Rob Morrow, you’re officially the worst of the worst.
11. Jermajesty Jackson
Jermaine Jacksun’s son
Of all the effed-up things Jermaine Jackson has done (having children with his brother Randy’s ex, wearing Michael’s clothes after his death and changing his last name to ‘Jacksun’), this is definitely the worst. JJ has a total of seven kids with a collection of interesting names including Jaimy Jermaine Jackson, Jaafar Jeremiah Jackson and Autumn Joi Jackson, but he really went to crazytown with Jermajesty. Why didn’t he just go the whole hog and call the kid Jiggerypokery?
12. Apple Martin
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter
We wonder if Apple feels sour now that her parents have consciously uncoupled (geddit???). If she goes into music or acting (which she probably definitely will), we call dibs on the “Apple didn’t fall far from the tree!” joke.
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