The bluffer’s guide to getting by in life

2:32pm Monday 14th July 2008

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By Helen Mead »

Watching Jonathan Ross recently, my husband was thrilled to see the British actor Adrian Lester confess to not having the slightest interest in sport.

After being grilled by a seemingly-astounded Mr Ross, who found it hard to believe that he did not follow ANY sport, Mr Lester explained how he gets by in conversations by bluffing.

He told how he can throw in sufficient comments about football and other popular sports, to stay afloat in conversations.

It is a fact of life – albeit a sad one – that we feel we should conform in this way when faced with chit-chat about certain subjects, in particular: Sport People who know little or nothing about sport, especially football, can be made to feel foolish for knowing next to nothing. So, instead of coming out with the truth, they nod their heads and utter a few meaningless statements to give the impression that they spend every Saturday afternoon on the terraces. My sport-hating husband is guilty of this. He knows as much about football as I do about pole vaulting yet, because it is rarely out of the news, he knows enough to nod and mumble his way through a conversation: “Yes, that penalty was undeserved…he’s put a few away in his time…he was unlucky…” (no different to the ridiculous commentaries we hear on Match Of The Day). Fortunately, because we are bombarded with soccer news, a six-month-old tot could discuss the merits of Chelsea’s latest signing.

TV soaps/popular TV shows I’ve come a cropper, attempting to join in conversations about soaps. I rarely watch Coronation Street, the last time I watched EastEnders Angie was landlady at the Vic, and I never watch Emmerdale. Yet I don’t like to let on that I’m a soap ignoramus.

I leap into conversations, then regret it seconds later, when I’m asked about a character I didn’t know existed, let alone has worked behind the bar at the Rovers for five years.

Films Admit it – if someone says: “you know that bit in Dirty Dancing where they kiss for the first time,” you feel compelled to say ‘yes’ and fabricate your knowledge as far as possible because otherwise you’ll have to suffer the “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT!!!!” onslaught.

Great works of literature People are often reluctant to admit they haven’t read key works by great authors like Shakespeare and Jane Austen. “It’s a bit like A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” a friend told me while describing a play she’d seen.

“It sounds similar,” I replied, despite having never read it and knowing nothing about it.

I once confessed to not knowing what Pride And Prejudice was about (now I’ve seen the film so I know) and the person I was chatting to reacted as though I’d punched her.

I’m taking a deep breath now, as I admit to another glaring gap in my education – I’ve never read a book by a Bronte. Dare I show my face in Haworth again?