MANY of the e-mails sent to me at work are meaningless twaddle. But I was intrigued this week by one entitled 'New survey reveals Most Seductive Woman of All Time'.
I couldn't recall having entered this competition, but was happy that someone, somewhere had at last acknowledged what I'm best at.
But when I looked, my name wasn't there. I was most distressed to see Marilyn Monroe's in its place. What's she got that I haven't, I thought.
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I was also surprised to read that the art of seduction has been lost among women.
In the survey, by a fabric conditioning company, almost half the females questioned did not think they were seductive and a further quarter couldn't remember the last time they felt in the mood for seduction.
I must admit, even as the Most Seductive Woman of All Time, I've lost my touch. No more do I go forth, mascara-coated eyelashes fluttering, to weave my heavily perfumed self around members of the opposite sex. Not for many years have I sought out desirable males at parties and pretended to break my ankle in front of them.
And I don't feel inclined to do so. For me, seducing is in the past, and the only thing that seduces me is the smell of fish and chips - smell them, got to have them, even if I've just eaten a nine-course meal
With two children to look after, I'm so bedraggled that I would struggle to seduce a paralytic reveller on the last night of an 18-30 holiday.
But that's not to say that one day I won't be looking to reclaim my title. It shouldn't be difficult - tap into the internet and, wow! seduction is big business.
Some people actually work as seduction tutors', which is something I'm considering sticking on my own cv. There are on-line (probably best that way) tutors in every aspect of seduction, from flirting' to picking up', attraction', and dating'. Maybe there's a degree in it - wouldn't your parents be proud?
There's a seduction guru' - could you keep a straight face chatting to him in Tesco? - and if you think you've got the know-how to be fast tracked, there's a speed seduction home study course'.
This is guaranteed to take you light years beyond canned pick up lines, and trite dating tips.' Fortunately, such services appear to be aimed at men.
Those directed towards women are far more conservative, with advice on The Art of Seduction,' building confidence, keeping men interested and sending out signals.
Not the wham, bam, in-your-face stuff of men's websites, one of which will, it says, have women hot and chasing after you', which doesn't sound very pleasant to me - more like a scene from Benny Hill than Officer and a Gentleman.
Although, I'm probably being unfair in making saucy assumptions - after all, anyone would be hot if they're chasing after someone. As Homer Simpson would say, Doh!
Wearing a favourite fragrance apparently puts 71 per cent of females in the mood for seduction. Not me - the last time I applied a little perfume, my husband wrinkled up his nose, asked: "What's that smell?" and opened a window. No wonder I can't hang onto that world title.
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